WiimoteonCoD9.exe
A recent invention, the WiimoteonCoD9, for competitive gamers had been released. I, 13 at the time so don't be a moron and call me 12, was a SUPER competitive gamer. I was the hard core of the hard. I was a Minecrafter, a quickscoper, and even a professional Yugioh dueler. Now I know, you probably cannot comprehend my amazing qualities. I should also mention that I am a "Pro" gamer on Xbox Live.
So of course, I purchased this new invention, the WiimoteonCoD9. But, it came with a installation disc. To set up the WiimoteonCoD9, I had to run a file called WiimoteonCoD9.exe. I was on my apple laptop, so i had to call and have them specially deliver a mac version. That is when all hell broke loose. The mail truck rolled up to my living room (it drove through the fucking wall) playing the song "THEY SEE ME ROLLIN, THEY HATIN" and out came the mail man. He was wearing blood crimson red sleeveless T-shirt that said "HELL 666 SATAN" in blood red fire letters. He had BLOOD COVERED red jeans, and he wore a bandana. No, the bandana wasn't bloody. It was covered in semen.
He walked over to me. He gave me the disc, called me a worthless piece of dogshit, and shanked my dog. Luckily, I was unharmed, so I went to install the disc. But, written in Blood Sharpie on the front, was the phrase "FUCKYOU.EXE". I was not even the slightest bit concerned about that. So I installed it. My computer is a mac so it only took a few weeks to install the 99mb file. I opened it, and to my amaze, it was just a jpeg image. I viewed it.
The following image was so graphic, it was my neighbor sipping tea on his porch. I cried a little. When I went back to my desktop, the mailman's shirt was there, and a new .exe file in the middle. The file was called WiimoteonCoD9.exe. I double clicked it to run it, but a message came up that said:
"Click [Run] to install WiimoteonCoD9 software, and the AdWare that comes free with it. Click [Cancel] will still give you the AdWare."
So I had no choice. I clicked run, and it said "YOU ARE FUCKED" and my computer shut down. Despite my attempt to turn it on, it wouldn't. So I gave up and logged on Xbox Live. My gamertag was changed though, to "MORONLORD666" instead of the usual "QUEEFKING69". I called Microsoft, and read them the speech i wrote.
"I, Richard Cock, am calling to inform thou that my account has been hacketh. Restoreth it to thine previewos state, and maybe thou may suffereth none sue. If thou fail to meet thy demand, then thee will be broughteth for trial by legaleth courteth systemeth."
I was given a call telling me to fuck off and they blocked my number. Bugger! Oh well. I went to quickscope some kids, but I realized something was amuck. What was it. I had rememered to not do my homework, I had remeberd to masturbait, and I hadn't forgotton to call Microsoft. OH that was it, a new game was on my Xbox. I played it, despite it having no picture or title. When it opened, a game called "WiimoteonCoD9.exe" launched.
The details are vague, All of what I remember is hazy, so i will do my best. The game started with music from Joe Montana Football playing at 666% speed sideways, and the title screen was a Wiimote. But when i hit start a low whisper couldn't be heard saying "You're next" and the screen flashed the word "YOU DIE" for 0.24 seconds. Yeah, not even a whole quarter of a second! Hoe Monatana's face flashed for a fifth of a second after the game loaded. The game that loaded was none other than, WWE Wrestling 666 edition. I fainted. My favorite game of all fucking time. I had 69/69 achievements for it on my DS, and now I could relive it on my Xbox. But then a wild WiimoteonCoD9 appeared.
It went up John Cena's anus and he let out HYPURREALISTIC blood and it spewed everywhere. Then a hand reached through my webcam and ripped out my jugular vein. I wasn't all that concerned.
I heard a "ping!" noise from my laptop in my bedroom. So i yelled "PONG" and went to go see what it was 68 minutes later. My mac was turned on again so i finished the installation of WiimoteonCoD9.exe, and played it. The game was a standard .exe, nothing too spooky alot of blood and a very shitty jumpscare ending and loading with viruses. To be honest, I would rate it a 4.3/10. My mac is pretty fucked up now so it was hard to type this, but I have to tell the world what happened to my virginity that fateful day. I lost it to WiimoteonCoD9.exe.